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Submitted on
January 29
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you say my timeline is infinitesimal
when compared to your hourglass
anatomy; a never ending cycle ticking
time away like a metronome, and
again gravity refuses to bend for me;

i cannot see the fault lines in our skies
any longer. my crystal ball is cloudy,
filled to the brink of destruction --
your broken words and the obscure
misology that is to be our fate.
misology mi-SOL-uh-jee, mahy-, noun:
distrust or hatred of reason or reasoning.

Does the imagery make sense?
Is the alliteration too noticeable?
Are there words that I could have substituted for the ones I used?
Does the title apply?
Overall?

EDIT 01/29/14: Reworded line 5 thanks to the lovely Poetry-Tool.

:iconglory-be-project: Day 28
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:iconphotographic-pupils:
Critique by photographic-pupils Jan 29, 2014, 9:52:19 AM
I think the imagery makes perfect sense, especially in relation to the themes of general frustration and impending doom. Invoking the word "gravity", for example, reinforces the idea of inevitability since gravity is an unstoppable force. However, the wording of the last line of the first stanza makes it seem as though gravity has bent for you before; if that is your intention then fine, but it may be better as,

    again gravity refuses to bend for me;


Moving on, I think the alliteration is good, and very subtle.

As for diction, I wouldn't change a thing. Although some people might say misology is too obscure a word, I think that the obscurity is intentional.

With that said, the title fits the themes well, and, overall, this is a great poem. I really feel the portentous end of a relationship through your words. Very brief and thought-provoking, loved it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthornyenglishrose:
I love this, and I'm actually struggling for suggestions to improve it! The imagery mostly makes perfect sense to me, but goodness knows if I'm interpreting it as you did when you wrote it! The only one I'm stumbling on a little is 'fault lines in our skies'; I can't make sense of it because fault lines are on the ground, not in the sky. Although I love your use of metaphor, this one is a bit too obscure for me, and I'd prefer something more universally associated with sky.

The comparison of a timeline i.e. something straight, and hourglass coupled with the use of the word 'anatomy', makes me think of the different ways in which time works but also of the whole notion of what makes the ideal female figure - a silly thing mostly debated by men, of course, but I rather like it in this poem, whether you intended it or not. The idea of gravity also links beautifully with the hourglass idea. I'm wondering then if the bending gravity is a little confusing applying to the speaker, who has the line rather than the hourglass... but perhaps I'm reading too much into it, and I think it reads really well as it is, but anyway there's something to think about if you want to.

I'm glad you implemented the change someone suggested of moving the word 'again' at the end of the first stanza - that really works.

The alliteration is so not obvious that it's really hard to spot it, but I see it when I look for it, and when I don't look for it I think it has a subtle effect which works really well. Overall I think this poem is lovely and very visual, and full of feeling.
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconderiveanemone:
DeriveAnemone Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Beautifully written. :heart: 
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much. :heart:
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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014   General Artist
:wave: You've been featured in Awesome Art.VI - have an awesome week! FREE flying hearts Icon
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! You have a great week too! :heart:
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:iconworldwar-tori:
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2014   General Artist
You're welcome :rose:
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:iconbackshelfsouvenir:
BackShelfSouvenir Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014
Great piece!! Nice work! :)
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much!
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:iconbackshelfsouvenir:
BackShelfSouvenir Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014
You're welcome! :)
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014  Student Writer
:heart:
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