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Literature Text
The old man's words swirled
around the room with the smoke
from his cigar.
"Well, since you asked,"
was coughed from his wizened
throat. "Save as much money
as you possibly can.
Don't buy cable. Read.
Write. A lot. Read some more.
Take pictures of extra ordinary things.
Print your pictures,
frame them.
Handwrite all of your mail,
and lick the stamps yourself.
Travel the world, and
collect friends wherever you go.
Live simply.
Oh, and don't try to keep up
with the Jones. They will covet
your simplicity. Your resourcefulness.
Your contentment.
Never listen to a bank
when they say you can afford
a certain sized house.
Divide that in half.
Okay, I'm done.
But you asked.
Now,
go to sleep."
around the room with the smoke
from his cigar.
"Well, since you asked,"
was coughed from his wizened
throat. "Save as much money
as you possibly can.
Don't buy cable. Read.
Write. A lot. Read some more.
Take pictures of extra ordinary things.
Print your pictures,
frame them.
Handwrite all of your mail,
and lick the stamps yourself.
Travel the world, and
collect friends wherever you go.
Live simply.
Oh, and don't try to keep up
with the Jones. They will covet
your simplicity. Your resourcefulness.
Your contentment.
Never listen to a bank
when they say you can afford
a certain sized house.
Divide that in half.
Okay, I'm done.
But you asked.
Now,
go to sleep."
Literature
rise and shine
daybreak is a vial
of liquid amber
spilt out against the sky
when I wake up.
there is enough warmth
between us, I think,
to coax the very sun
into existence—
the press of you
against my back, the
swell of you
within my chest.
and perhaps the sun awakens
each day
to see the breath and motion
of people like us,
drowsy in our crowds
of blankets.
you stir behind me,
and it blinks
its bleary eyes.
Literature
love poem for a poet
and if you ever complain
of writer's block
I will hold you
your chest pressed to mine
close and warm and quiet
and trace every word
that's been eluding you
onto the blank page
of your back
Literature
Asphodel
A beckoning:
watercolour sky shrinking,
too late, teeth fall; pearls
from a broken string.
Blink and the moon ignites—
but the sheets are still
envelope-stiff.
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Day 135 of the #Glory-Be-Project
Written on May 16th, 2013
Based on a conversation I had with a wise man in the dead of the night.
Does the one sided conversation work?
Is it clear there's only one speaker?
Does it need more exposition?
Overall?
Edited 05/21/13 thanks to `FuzzyHoser.
Got another DLD! I'm so happy!
Thanks to *homunculus888 for suggesting it, and =TwilightPoetess for featuring me! You can find it here!
Written on May 16th, 2013
Based on a conversation I had with a wise man in the dead of the night.
Does the one sided conversation work?
Is it clear there's only one speaker?
Does it need more exposition?
Overall?
Edited 05/21/13 thanks to `FuzzyHoser.
EDIT:
Got another DLD! I'm so happy!
Thanks to *homunculus888 for suggesting it, and =TwilightPoetess for featuring me! You can find it here! © 2013 - 2024 LionesseRampant
Comments63
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactI absolutely loved this. So simple, yet so powerful. Amazing job!
You started off really strong, pulling the reader right in. Who could possibly stop reading after the first words? It did confuse me a bit at first. It's difficult to imagine the context, and what the question was in the first place. But I loved the beginning so much, so at the same time, I don't want it to change. I realize I'm contradicting myself quite a bit. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="395" title=" (Lick)"/>After that, though, my attention dwindled a bit, specifically by the end. I think it could've ended better. Maybe adding one last line of description? It could've been stronger.
For your questions: It's clear that there is only one speaker, because although there are many lines of dialogue, they are still all between the same quotation marks. But I don't really understand what you meant by a "one sided conversation." Do you mean he's talking to himself? Or do you just mean he's the only one speaking in this particular poem, although there's someone else listening? I think the artist's comments confused me more than anything else. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="395" title=" (Lick)"/>I've already talked about the exposition. So yes, it might need more exposition, but at the same time, I already adore the first lines.
Overall: Great advice, super beginning, but work on the ending.