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May 16, 2013
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The old man's words swirled
around the room with the smoke
from his cigar.

"Well, since you asked,"
was coughed from his wizened
throat. "Save as much money
as you possibly can.

Don't buy cable. Read.
Write. A lot. Read some more.
Take pictures of extra ordinary things.
Print your pictures,
frame them.

Handwrite all of your mail,
and lick the stamps yourself.
Travel the world, and
collect friends wherever you go.

Live simply.

Oh, and don't try to keep up
with the Jones. They will covet
your simplicity. Your resourcefulness.
Your contentment.

Never listen to a bank
when they say you can afford
a certain sized house.
Divide that in half.

Okay, I'm done.
But you asked.

Now,
go to sleep."
Day 135 of the #Glory-Be-Project
Written on May 16th, 2013

Based on a conversation I had with a wise man in the dead of the night.

Does the one sided conversation work?
Is it clear there's only one speaker?
Does it need more exposition?
Overall?

Edited 05/21/13 thanks to `FuzzyHoser.

EDIT:


Got another DLD! I'm so happy! :heart: Thanks to *homunculus888 for suggesting it, and =TwilightPoetess for featuring me! You can find it here!
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:iconguineveretogwen:
I absolutely loved this. So simple, yet so powerful. Amazing job!

You started off really strong, pulling the reader right in. Who could possibly stop reading after the first words? It did confuse me a bit at first. It's difficult to imagine the context, and what the question was in the first place. But I loved the beginning so much, so at the same time, I don't want it to change. I realize I'm contradicting myself quite a bit. :P

After that, though, my attention dwindled a bit, specifically by the end. I think it could've ended better. Maybe adding one last line of description? It could've been stronger.

For your questions: It's clear that there is only one speaker, because although there are many lines of dialogue, they are still all between the same quotation marks. But I don't really understand what you meant by a "one sided conversation." Do you mean he's talking to himself? Or do you just mean he's the only one speaking in this particular poem, although there's someone else listening? I think the artist's comments confused me more than anything else. :P
I've already talked about the exposition. So yes, it might need more exposition, but at the same time, I already adore the first lines.

Overall: Great advice, super beginning, but work on the ending.
What do you think?
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4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconsilvervulpus:
silvervulpus Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
why are my words coming out of your mouth?
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013  Student Writer
?
Reply
:iconsilvervulpus:
silvervulpus Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Im sorry what?
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Student Writer
You said: "why are my words coming out of your mouth?" and that confused me.
Reply
:iconsilvervulpus:
silvervulpus Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
it was essentially a compliment, saying you are speaking universal wisdoms, that i have been understanding and saying for years,
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Student Writer
Oooh, okay. Haha, well, I wasn't the one who said them. It was one of my friends, I just rearranged his words into a poem.
Reply
:iconamrgalal7:
amrgalal7 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, I loved it :heart:
The words flowed so beautifully!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you very much! I'm so glad you like it! :heart:
Reply
:iconamrgalal7:
amrgalal7 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome :hug:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Student Writer
:iconsupertighthugplz:
Reply
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